Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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