I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
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