theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
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You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
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I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
did i just pee glitter
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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