They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
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My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
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Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
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