Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
