Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
