i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
What drink are we having for lunch?
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
