All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
