Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
im six kinds of drunk right now
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
