If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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