Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
