Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
