chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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