listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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