I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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