I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
