I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
