No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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