I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
two words...techno handjob
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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