Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
