Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
How external is "for external use only"?
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I can't turn off my feet"
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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