A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
