I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
