I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
