i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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