I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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