I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
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