I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
