I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
