You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
