suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
sex in a hospital.. check
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Randomize
