Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Michael Bay diarrhea
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
