I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Randomize
