just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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