If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Randomize
