I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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