You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
