wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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