I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Randomize
