You smell like stripper and shame
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
