Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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