My Higher Power is John Stamos
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
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