I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
