I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
