Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Drake has all the answers
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Randomize
