you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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