Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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