May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Randomize
