i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
