my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
