my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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