A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
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