So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
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I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
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