my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
