Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
