four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
